Poignant Messages
Poignant Messages
This page contains a miscellaneous list of messages that convey some of the emotions and thoughts of those whose lives have been changed by parkinsons.
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Each day is a
challenge. Some days I climb mountains. Some days I don't get out of
the basement. I like knowing I'm "normal." This group has been so
helpful to me.
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Hi Pat, no claims to sainthood from me. Welcome to this list. I appreciate your honesty. My husband is still working--as principal of a private high school. He does pretty well. This spring was rough--he felt so inadequate for the job. He said he was still actually doing the work but no one knew the horror he felt in not being able to cope inside and feeling such a lack of confidence. He has a lot of friends but no one he confides in but me. And he's a talker. So, first thing in the morning till last thing at night, this was the main topic of conversation. And I understood and I listened and cared and my heart broke. And, I was scared, too. Now that school is out, whatever it was has lifted. We do plan a doctor's app. together to discuss this with him. Our 4 children are very supportive, but they are young, and I don't feel comfortable telling them all the time how things are. I have a few people to confide in and that is enough. Particularly reading this listserve. I know now that I'm not alone and for now that is enough. It helps me to take courage in hand and face each day. Although at times, as I have a hunch we all have, I feel like, "What has happened to his life, to our life, to my life?!" Vi CG for Jon 48/3
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Pat you are certainly not alone with your feelings of frustration. And this is absolutely the greatest place to vent, no matter what you're feeling.
My Mom is a wonderful person, but when she asked me the other day if I'd gotten stamps yet; I got sharp with her. I'd been completing a report and had hardly had time to get dressed for three days, much less go out to buy stamps. When she asked me I went to an angry place " ... she doesn't appreciate all the things I'm juggling and takes me for granted."
Later in the day, still feeling heavy with anger, I went on a "soul" walk. I spent an hour in the National Park close by. I didn't have time for it, but did it anyway. When I'm in the park, I refuse myself angry thoughts or problems. When I catch myself turning over a problem, I stop and refocus. "Problems will wait. This is my time for appreciating myself and counting my blessings. What do I like about myself?"
As I replenished my soul, hiked and grinned, I realized it was true ...Mom COULD NOT understand what I'm going through ,,, the pressures I feel, in handling work, house, maintenance, 1/2 acre of yard, shopping, doctoring, Mom, a cat and Christopher, our Sheltie. But then, I really don't understand what she is going through either. The grief she experiences daily, as she withers, the fear in her eyes when she can't remember a word ... this woman of words. Even though I try to understand, I really can't. WE just aren't walking in each other's shoes. The tension between us occurs when we both need some caring at the same time.
When I came back from my hike (with stamps), I hugged Mom, and apologized for being sharp with her. Then, I went to my office and flew through the rest of my report. With lifted spirits, it was so much easier. Mom was so sweet that afternoon. She brought me a cup of coffee ... a significant gift from someone who has to struggle up and down steps while balancing herself and a cup of coffee.
I am not sorry for being sharp with Mom. I've spent most of my life holding in my feelings so that people will not be upset with me. I am not always nice. My feelings are not always nice. I'm also not sorry for apologizing instead of staying mad. The anger was difficult for both of us to carry around. And she did get the message ( ... as I received her coffee gift.) If I hadn't told her what was bugging me, she would have had to "read my mind" to get the message ... an unlikely event. Most of all ... I'm not sorry I left the pressure of my report and my CareGiving (or care-resenting) to take a soul walk. Things went so much better after I stopped to take care of myself.
Sometimes things don't seem to smooth out like they did on this day. I feel frustrated at those times because I think I need to do it just right each time we have a difficult interaction. I need to be gentler with myself so I can be gentler with her.
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