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Patience and Control

Patience and Control

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Dear CARE friends.....

This morning I have been meditating about some of the interactions I see going on recently between my husband and me. I share these thoughts in the hope that they may be of inerest to other CGs....

Lately he has started ALWAYS having something in one or both hands, and it has been annoying me, because he then has to

  • lay it/them down before doing anything, getting out of a chair, etc
  • spend a long time searching for it/them, because it/they could have been deposited ANYWHERE and it just seems plain silly to carry 3 or 4 pens and pencils, rubber bands, etc around the house!

    Further, he has become very worried about "his money", a small amount of cash he keeps in the house, and a larger amount in a money market account, where he can write a check if he needs it, but it will get a bit of interest. The "cash on hand" may turn up anywhere---under his pillow, in pajama pocket, in a file folder or tucked in a book---fine, except that he drives me crazy trying to help him find it !

    This is where patience has to enter the picture, and I hate it when I hear myself sounding irritated or impatient at these times.

    So I tried to "reframe" what he is doing, from his perspective instead of mine, as we are told that even persons with dementia have reasons for what they do..

    We know how important it is for PWPS--or anyone who is unable to function as s/he once used to, to be able to hold on to a few areas of control in their lives. They may not be able to control their muscles, their speech, their cognition or their bladders---but they MUST feel they can control SOMETHING, even if is only where they put their belongings, or things they are obsessed with.

    I'm going to try as hard as I can to remember that next time he insists on doing something that seems to me to be unnecessary----to curb my "rescurer" instinct and cut him a little slack, so long as it isn't dangerous to do so. I am likely to be the sort of CG who jumps in too quickly, hating to see him struggle with a button, a sleeve, a concept.......I will try to remember that even the struggle, if it ends in success, will give him back a tiny bit of the control he has lost.

    Now all I need is that 300mg "patience pill " I "invented" !

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    That message really rung a bell and I know we're all going to respond "in force" to you! I have been coping with the paranoia & control my husband is displaying so often theses days!! Along with the physical limitations -- the mental challenges are really just a "bother" to deal with for me sometimes. Don't we all wish it'd just GO AWAY!? I'm finding also that to "keep up" with the things he has "misplaced" along with what I am "looking for" could be a full time job. If there is no humor as the day goes by, the day has not been worthwhile -- I said that!

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    I hear your struggle with the changes that are occurring with your husband and am glad you have your "patience pills". My heart goes out to you as you meet these challenges. Your way of sharing with us is such a help. I have learned and grown so much from what you have shared.

    > Now all I need is that 300mg "patience pill " I "invented" !

    I don't face problems of your magnitude but my husband and I are starting out for San Diego at 4 PM today to help out with a new granddaughter. I dread the long drive now that I must do all the driving and the late start makes it worse. I had just told my daughter I was going to take one of your "patience pills" before I started and take some extra ones along. Then I signed on and read your note. She thought I should just say we were starting earlier and that he could listen to the games on the radio but I explained that he has lost so much that leaving late was a gift I could give him. We would have stopped for the night anyway instead of driving all the way.

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    How interesting what you wrote about your husband. My love has called me to say he's lost his billfold and I say, "look in your jeans pocket you had on yesterday. Is it in the dirty clothes basket? He'd call back and say that's where it was. He's called several times about his cell phone. So I would call his cell phone number, so he could hear it ring, and know where to find it. Since I don't live with him, I can afford a lot of patience. Instead of asking the person who lives in the house with him, he calls me. Of course, I'm not there 24 hours a day, but I would LOVE to be. It just isn't written in the books. They say there is no such thing as a broken Heart.

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    I can certainly relate to the need for your patience pill.

    Though we have not experienced the dementia, I do bite my tongue to keep quiet as my husband takes S O O O O long to get little things. He has developed slow never changing RITUALS with daily routine.Every time I try to help, he responds with "just because I don't move as fast as you do doesn't mean I won't get it done" I find when we are getting ready to go somewhere I have him get ready first, then he feels he is waiting for me. That's okay cause he is already ready and when I am ready we can leave the house. Oh we are never late for anything cause he always wants an hour lead time when 1/2hr would do.

    I just have to be thankful for the fact that he still has a wonderful sense of humor and most of his faculties.

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    Hi Everyone, the msg on the "patience pill" was so worthwhile. To me it told me others have the same problems and this is the essence of the "Care Digest". One can learn so much from one's peers.

    My husband constantly must have a handkerchief in his hand. There are any number in his pants pockets at any one time. AND I find them on the floor on the table on the counter in the wastebasket etc.

    When one stops to think about it, the only things that are really their personal possessions are: watch, glasses, wallet, and handkerchief. For a while he wanted to carry most of his ss check in his wallet; then he was satisfied with a few $50 and now with a $20, $10, $5, and some $ls in his wallet he tells everyone he does not have any money. At Day Care he "plays" with his wallet, his cards and his money. When he lets everything slip to the floor, the caregivers run to him to help pickup because he will just topple over in trying to pick up.

    Another aspect: in dressing: when he has his shirt off he will instantly begin to put it back on again as it is with other clothing. Two socks go on one foot and one shoe on a bare foot. It goes on and on and for this reason I dress him as quickly as I can to eliminate more labor for me.

    Sorry to be lengthy. I cannot tell a story any other way. It would be utopia if none of you caregivers would relate to my statements but that is wishful thinking.

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    When I read your note about your husband and things lost, I certainly had a sense of Déjà vu. My husband went through a long period of behaving in the same way. He HAD to have his wallet in his hand and his father's ring on his finger to feel all there. Sometimes he would go a day or so without one or the other, but he could be counted on to start looking for them just when it was most inconvenient for us. We developed the habit of always placing his wallet on the mantle if we found it around and his ring in the corner of a particular drawer. This way, we often, but not always, could help him "find" them Sometimes of course, we wouldn't notice that he'd put them down and a great search would take place during which he would be agitated and we could not distract him. In recent months, my husband has failed fairly fast, and he seems to have forgotten his wallet and ring. I cannot say we miss the action even though we know that its absence does mean he is progressing. Just in case, however, we have the items in question properly stashed in their proper spots for finding.

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    This is all so sad & I'm experiencing the same challenges in dealing with the "lost & found & then FORGOTTEN" as you. I'll send my angels to lift you up! I have a put a physical angel (card,statue,sticker,etc.) in each room just so I feel better knowing "I" have that presence there! Charles just thinks I'm into "collecting" !!! We must continue to look for & find JOY in each day.

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    I wasn't going to reply to these events that happen in our life but I just couldn't control myself.

    My husband will be watching television and have the control in his hand, sound asleep while the set is on. He won't put it down. He has a handkerchief he carries around. I find them everywhere in the house. And what's up with the pen in their hand? He just won't let it go.

    And he's a watch hog. I mean watches that you wear. He must have 30 of them. But in the middle of the day, he changes watches. Most he can't get on and here he comes wanting me to help him with his watch. It drives me crazy. No matter what I'm doing I have to stop and help him put his watch on.

    I could go on and on but won't. I need that 300mg of patience pill please.

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